Deus Ex-Puerto

Dateline--Parodyville, KS
Police kicked down several front doors in a local neighborhood, shackled the occupants and ransacked the residences in a frantic search late last month it was learned yesterday. Not finding what they were seeking, they stripped searched the shackled occupants, beat their heads into walls, slapped them around and gave them "swirly's," a technique described as simulated drowning by dunking someone's head in a toilet and flushing it right before they quit kicking.

Several local civil rights organizations decried the events pointing to the lack of warrants or probable cause in the rude behavior some have described as torture. Members of the lunatic fringe group "Dead People Got No Rights, or Dopes for short (they can't spell) claim the police are just trying to keep us safe.

"They had some reason to kick in them doors, and even if they got it wrong we shouldn't worry about a little spritzer once in awhile," the Dopes said.

Mayor MacCheese, trying to calm the situation, claimed the police acted legally.

"Our city attorney, from the firm of Dewey, Beetom and Howe, has given a permission slip to the local police authorities which makes this legal. Our city attorney was able to roll back local, state, federal and Constitutional Law with this permission slip and the safety of our township owes a great debt to Jay Bybee," the mayor said to a stenographic press corpse.